Ash & Burns
by Lady Crimson Star
Summary: The Marauders are falling apart. Peter has a girlfriend. James is obsessed with killing Snape. Remus is depressed. And Sirius had sex with Lily. An intense look at the Marauder's 6th year. Cannon.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

Chapter I

Pause.

"I can't do this anymore Evans."

ooo

James sat by the lake. He had a bottle of firewhiskey in his hand and a big purple bruise across half his face. "That was the most humiliating thing that's ever happened to me," he muttered darkly, taking a drink.

Next to him the werewolf didn't say anything. This wasn't the sort of thing that could be eased away.

"I'm going to get back at him. He's going to regret this. I just have to use my head and come up with something really good."

"You know we'll help you with anything you need. I'm sure Sirius has some ideas..."

"No. This can't just be a recycled plan, this has to be fresh. I have to catch him by surprise."

"Alright."

Remus was staring at the water. He enjoyed watching the shades of blue and gray sway and wither under the moon. It was incredibly beautiful and calming, exactly what he needed to get his mind off their problems. He felt terrible for what had happened to James but part of him knew the boy had it coming. After all it was their side that had taken the joke too far, and this was just the consequence. The terrifying thing was that Severus had acted alone. He had been able to beat James single handed.

That was incredibly impressive. But it left him feeling vulnerable. After all he wasn't as fast or gutsy as James. In fact as a fighter Remus left much to be desired. If Severus had been able to defeat James so horribly he would be able to do much worse things to him. Hell, he could probably kill him.

A shiver ran down Remus's spine and his eyes rose up to the moon. "I think it's time to go back inside."

"I'm staying, don't want to see the apologetic expression on Wormtail's face when I walk in."

He stood. "Suit yourself then, I'll meet you in the tower."

James nodded and took another drink. The liquid didn't burn anymore, instead it felt strangely comforting against the cold night. His heart felt warmed, full of anger and power. Part of him felt that if he meet Snivellus again he would be able to finish him off out of pure fury. Of course if yesterday had proved anything it was that he was too cocky. He had never even been smart enough to view Snape as a real threat before.

But now things had to change. First of all he had to stop being so arrogant. And secondly he had to stop depending on Sirius and Remus. He needed to prove once and for all that he could easily defeat Snivellus on his own. Nothing matter more, not even his vow to Lily.

ooo

By the end Potter had been sobbing in a puddle of his own blood but it hand't been as satisfying as expected. Instead, Snape found himself regretting it. And all because of that look on her face. It had killed him. It was almost like she had never known him at all.

The moment that Potter fell to the ground she screamed, "What are you doing!"

And he hand't been able to face her. He had just ran away like child. He had been terrified of worsening the situation by saying the wrong thing and someone getting her to hate him even more. And she probably did. This could be the last straw. He had almost commited murder. She would never forgive that, even if it was just Potter.

Snape took a deep breath. He would take it all back if he could. He regretted having started it, and he regretted winning. Nothing was worth Lily getting hurt.

And the fucked up thing was all this was Potter's fault. Him and the idiots that followed his lead. They were the ones that had begun picking on him. But of course Lily probably wouldn't see it that way anymore. She'd probably just think he'd had it coming. Never mind that he was always outnumbered, never mind that they had always ganged up on him. They had antagonized the whole school again him, even the Slytherins, but he could taken that, he did take that, for years. It was all alright until Lily turned her back on him too. And then it all became too much.

Now he didn't have anything to loose, so why should he take it? Why should he just cower there while the four of them surrounded him? What was fair about that?

So he had struck, one to one, man to man and he, Severus Snape, the punching bag of the whole school had come out victorious. But it was wrong. He had done wrong, because in doing so he had pushed her even further away. And nothing, not even winning against Potter was worth that, because Lily, Lily was everything to him.

ooo

Lily sat at the corner of her bed, staring at the huge piles of papers and books which surrounded her. She kept herself very occupied with school work not because it was important but because she didn't want to have to think about anything else. Much less Severus or -

No, that just made her miserable. She needed to have goals, keep her focus. She needed to impress her teachers and make her parents proud. Those were the really important things and she wasn't prepared to give them up just because she was heartbroken. She refused to be that kind of girl.

"Lily are you feeling alright?" asked Mary as she entered the room.

"Fine."

"Okay, it's just you're looking very pale these days." She paused as she walked towards her own bed. "Oh, by the way I heard Potter got out of the Hospital Wing."

Lily's eyes flashed. "So, he's okay?"

Her friend nodded. "Yeah, though none of us have seen him."

"Figures," she muttered. Potter had never been defeated before, his big fat ego probably didn't even understand the word.

But for once Lily didn't think it was right to criticize him. She had seen with her own eyes what Severus had done. She had never seen magic like that. It was terrifying. As was the picture in her mind of James lying on the floor in a little ball, crying and bleeding, pale as a corpse. She had never been so scared in her life, for a few moments she had actually thought he was going to die.

If he had she would have never forgiven herself. After all it was because of her that the whole rivalry between James and Severus had begun. And she never would have forgiven Severus either. Lily knew that it was James that had begun the fighting between them but this had been the nastiest blow so far. Severus was clearly losing it.

Probably because he no longer had a reason to stay on her good side.

"Do you think James will come back to class this week? Or will he be allowed some time off?" asked Mary from her own bed.

"I don't know. I'm just glad he's alright."

"Yeah, I think everyone is, except the Slytherin Quidditch team."

Lily smiled. "I still can't believe Severus-" suddenly she stopped herself. Thinking about him would just make her upset again.

Mary looked over at her with concern. "I didn't think he could do it either. I don't know him as much as you do, but Severus never seemed that... cruel."

"I really don't want to talk about it."

"Sure. So, what do you wanna talk about?"

Lily looked down at her Astronomy notes. "Actually I should get back to work." And she did. For the rest of evening she thought of nothing but the stars and their planets because that's what she needed to do to continue leading a productive life, even if she wasn't happy.

ooo

All James wanted to do was crawl through the common room and get to his comfortable bed unfortunately however he was intercepted. "Well look who finally graces me with his presence," said Sirius in a dry voice from the armchair by the fire. He seemed rather upset, his eyes unnervingly cold.

James sighed. "What do you want? I'm tired."

"Of course you are, avoiding me is very tiring."

"I am not avoiding you."

"Is that why you had me thrown out of the Hospital Wing?"

"I didn't do that you little drama queen."

Sirius raised an eyebrow. "Let's not start with the insults yet. I just wanna know why you're upset at me."

"I'm not, I just needed to be alone for a little while."

"You kept Moony around."

"Well, he happens to be a little less judgmental than you."

Sirius frowned. "Judgmental? What, did you think I would blame you for what happened?"

"Not outright, but I know what everyone is thinking. I'm not clueless. I know I should have been able to win, or at least to defend myself properly."

Sirius face softened and he got up off the chair and walked towards his friends. "Is that really why you asked me to leave? James we're not thinking that. Snivellus obviously just played dirty. It's not your fault mate. I think it could have been anyone of us."

"But it wasn't - it was me and I have to own up to that."

James retreated up to the dormitory with shuffling steps but Sirius stayed behind in the darkness. He felt relieved, for a moment he had though James had found out about -

That would have been bad, like suicide bad. Everything would have changed and he couldn't have taken that. Things were fine the way the were. Not great but tolerable.

This whole year had been a little off, maybe because now the War was undeniable or maybe cause they were growing apart. There was a strange silence and an undeniable tension up in the dormitory. It was uncomfortable, specially for Sirius and none of them were exactly sure when it had begun. It now seemed they were playing at being best friends when they really had little in common.

Of course it wasn't really so bad. They were still friends, and they cared for each other but they all seemed to have bigger preoccupation's: Peter had his girlfriend, James had Quidditch, Remus was studying like a maniac, and Sirius, well Sirius was sort of depressed.

He felt strangely hollow as if she had left a hole where his heart should've been. Ending things with her had tore him apart with guilt and regret. And it still hurt him even though he was sure it had been the right thing to do. It had been necessary. Never mind that he still missed her and thought of her all the time, never mind that every night as he dreamed he could smell her lavender hair and feel the stretches of her white skin underneath his mouth.

And when he woke up, when his inconclusive dreams crashed into the darkness, he found himself with words stuffed into his mouth. Words that burned him:

"Let's meet again - anywhere."

ooo

A/N: This is a bit strange, and I think it's only going to get stranger, so if you're not into complexities this might not be the story for you. Saying that I appreciate all reviews, comments, questions, and readers.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter II

The autumn day was fresh and windy. Lily walked around the lake in her uniform, black cloak blown around by the wind. Today all her red hair was pulled up tightly and her eyes were swollen. She didn't look as pretty as she usually did, possibly because her appearance hardly mattered to her anymore. It just seemed trivial. Between the war and -

She took a deep breath, it was just hard processing her losses. Part of her couldn't help but feel like she was totally alone. Of course that wasn't true, she had Mary, she had friends. If she wanted to she could have talked to anyone and they would probably have listen. She was well liked but she didn't want just anyone. She needed to talk to someone who knew her, and now it seemed none of those people wanted anything to do with her.

As she walked around the lake she picked up rocks and threw them into the water. They all sank at the first bounce and she watched them, her eyes watery. After a long time she grew cold and began walking back up to castle but halfway up the trail she encountered Severus.

He tried to smile, "Hey."

"What are you stalking me now?" she muttered narrowing her eyes.

"No, of course not. I just wanted some fresh air," He cleared his throat awkwardly.

"Well now you have some." She moved swiftly to try to get past him but he caught her sleeve and turned her around so that they were facing each other.

"Are you alright? I mean I know you're mad at me but I'm worried."

She couldn't lie, not to him. "I've been better. But I really don't want to talk to you, especially after what you did."

He flinched. "I'm sorry about that."

She shook her head. "No, you're not. Look Severus we're not friends anymore. I've gone five months without talking to you and that's not going to change anytime soon."

"Yeah I know. But I'm concerned."

"Well you don't really have the right to worry about me. I'll be fine." But even as she said it Lily felt herself begin to cry. She tried to hide the tears so that he wouldn't' see but it was useless. She couldn't believe how weak she was, she had turned into one of those stupid sobbing girls she so hated.

"It's going to be alright Lily," he muttered softly putting both his hands on her shoulder. "I'm sorry things are so bad for you. I'm sorry about your parents. And I'm really sorry I was such an idiot blood purist. I never meant to say that to you."

She sniffled. "But you did and you won't ever be able to take it back."

"Do you really mean that? Are you going to ignore me forever? Isn't that a little harsh."

"I think you deserve it."

"But I -" he stopped. "You know how important you are to me."

Her eyes met his. "And what you're not important to me? I hate this as much as you do but I can't be friends with you. I'm not friends with people who call me a mudblood."

"Please don't repeat it. I was just angry at Potter."

"Don't bring him into this alright. Yes, Potter is annoying but he did not deserve what you did. Sev you almost killed him."

"I didn't mean to - I swear. I just wanted to win for once."

"Winning isn't important, you used to know that."

His eyes shifted and he step closer to her. "I just miss you so much I don't even know what I'm doing."

"Don't blame me! It was your actions that ended our friendship." At this Lily took a deep breath and pulled herself away from him. "Now I'm going back and you'd better not follow me, I mean it."

As she walked up she began to sob. It was difficult to see where she was going and part of her just wanted to turn around and confide in him like she used to. But that would be a mistake it would just lead to further heartbreak. She had to find a way to deal with feeling alone. Depending on someone else was just stupid, because when they left she would feel even lonelier. Or at leas that was what had happened with Sirius.

But it was hard to control herself. This had been the worst year of her life. Her parents had died, her sister had broken off contact, she couldn't be friend with Severus anymore and Sirius had broken her heart. He had practically killed her with his coldness. And now she had to live as if none of those things were affecting her. And she needed to at least pretend she was strong.

As she reached the side gate of Hogwarts she wiped away her tears on her sleeve and pulled a strand of hair out of her face. She didn't want anyone pestering her about why she was crying.

ooo

The Marauders sat around the lunch table lazily. It was past noon on a Saturday but they had barely gotten up. James had a bad hangover and Sirius had had one of his nightmares again. All four of them were in a rather bad mood, though Remus tried to get past it.

"So have you guys done the Astronomy assignment yet?"

"Nope," answered James as he drank his second cup of coffee.

"Well I'm having problems with the Aries Constellation, it just doesn't-"

"Moony no one wants to hear it," muttered Sirius as he dropped his head onto the table. "I hardly slept last night. Just kept waking up."

Remus frowned. "You seem to be having a lot of sleep problems lately. Any idea why that might be?"

Sirius just rolled his eyes. Sometimes Remus and his highly developed rationality seemed like they belonged in Ravenclaw. He loved analyzing dreams and things that couldn't be explained with weird Muggle methods.

Suddenly Peter pipped in, "You guys see Evans?"

The three of them turned around. She was walking towards the table and she looked absolutely miserable. It was obvious she had been crying again. "Wonder what's wrong with her," said Remus his eyes reflecting her movement.

James pulled up his glasses. "Well, her parents were killed that's goatta be rough."

"True."

Then James smiled. "Or maybe she's upset that I got hurt."

The others looked unconvinced but James's general mood improved. Sirius's did not. If anything he grew quieter as he watched her. She looked so unhappy and pale it made the hole in his chest ache. He had never felt so guilty in his life. It was his fault that she looked like that, his fault she felt like that. He stopped eating and began feeling sick.

"Are you okay?" said Remus's over observant eyes.

Sirius shrugged and looked away from her.

ooo

Late at night, as Sirius tried to sleep and Peter snored, James worked on his plans for revenge. He practiced spells from forbidden books, he felt rage in his hand as it swerved, perfecting each curse and he studied the Marauder's Map, carefully memorizing Snape's movements night after night. It became an obsession, and an incredible source drive. He needed to defeat him. He needed to show Lily and everyone else that he was the strong one. It was really pathetic that he even had to compete with someone like Snape. But that's what he got for being so damn arrogant.

And everyday James would think back on their fight. He would relive the pain and the blood, and the distorted sounds of Lily screaming. All that was ammunition and when he faced Snape again he would have no restraints. He wasn't going to kill but he needed to harm - to seriously harm him.

"Are you still working?" asked Sirius groggily from the next bed over.

"Yeah, I have to be ready at any time."

"Don't worry you'll get him."

James didn't answer. Part of him felt slightly betrayed by Sirius. He hardly seemed to care about Snape. In fact since the school year had begun he seemed to have a strange disinterred in pranks. James just couldn't understand it. "I know Moony has a mother-cub instinct and that he worries too much but I'm just wondering are you alright? You don't seem yourself lately."

Sirius sighed. "I'm just not feeling very well. Actually I feel kind of guilty."

"About what?"

"This girl..."

James grinned. "A girl? Why didn't you tell me? What happened?"

At this Sirius knew he had to lie. There was no way James would ever forgive him if he found out what had happened with Lily. Luckily having grown up in a pureblood family he was a very good liar. "Well - umm, there's this girl. She's really nice and I like her as a friend but she asked me out and I turned her down. Now she's all upset with me and it's just really irritating cause I actually really liked talking to her."

"Why did you turn her down then?"

"I guess I just don't really like her in that way. Besides she's a bit younger than me."

"Oh," said James with a nod. "I miss having a girlfriend sometimes. I mean I'm still trying to get Lily but I don't know how to approach her. Everything I try just backfires. And it's even harder now that she's so sad about her parents. I want to help her but I just don't know how to. I don't think anything I could possibly say would make her feel better."

"Just - " Sirius's mouth felt try. Giving James advice on this was sick. "Let her know that if she needs someone to talk you you're there. Girls like emotional support."

"Thanks, that's actually decent advice."

Sirius grinned. "What? Did you think I get so many girls just on my good looks?"

His friend laughed. "A little."

ooo

James plucked up his courage and approached Lily after Charms class. She was walking towards the library with an armful of books and a determined expression. He ruffled up his hair and attempted to look calm. "Hey Evans."

She looked at him coldly but tried to smile. "Hi, how are you feeling?"

"Oh, I'm much better. Thanks again for helping me that day."

She nodded. "You really only have Remus to thank. He was the one with the essence of dittany. I just sat there freaking out."

"Well if you hand't screamed he wouldn't have found us and I might have-"

"Yeah, I suppose."

They continued to walk. He could smell lavender in her hair as it swished and could feel the warmth of her arm brushing up against his. It felt amazing to be so close to her, usually she would have asked him to leave her alone already.

"Are you going to the library too?" she asked, her eyes shifting over to him.

James sighed and softly touched her arm which effectively made her stop walking. "No, I was actually banned from the library in third year for throwing cursed water balloons. I just wanted to talk to you."

She pulled her arm away. "Please don't ask me out again, I'm really not in the mood Potter."

"I know that. I'm not so oblivious." He smiled at her. "It just see that you're going through a lot and I wanna make sure you know that if you ever need to talk to someone I'm here and I care. I know you don't like but in case you haven't notice I like you, a lot."

Lily blinked. He had never sounded so sincere before. It was actually really touching, he did care about her. She smiled but this time there was feeling behind it. "Thanks James, I appreciate it."

His eyes nearly popped out of their sockets. She had called him James. She had never done that before. "You're welcome Lily. So... um do you want to talk?"

"No, I'd rather not. But maybe some other time." And then she just walked away like she hand't just changed his whole life.

ooo

A/N: Thanks for the reviews.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter III

"And if he didn't exist?" she asked timidly.

Sirius leaned his head against the wall and didn't smile. "That's the wrong question." He wasn't even goanna pretend this talk was causal. He believe that was beneath them both and if she couldn't deal with it then she shouldn't have brought it up at all.

"Okay, let me rephrase," as she spoke her eyes seemed to gain focus. This was important to her. "If he wasn't obsessed with me, then what?"

He gave her a coy look. "Then I would be obsessed with you." Then he lowered his head and pressed his warm lips against her neck.

ooo

Lily was alone in her dormitory. She could hear the party raging on downstairs. Gryffindor had defeated Hufflepuff once again and the Marauders had resurfaced from the match with piles of stolen food and dozens of bottles of liquor. Most of the older student were participating, while the younger ones selfconsciously stood around wondering if they should call a teacher. But none of them were really that dumb.

Out of the whole house Lily was probably the only one that hand't gone to game, and who hand't seen James's swoop from 130 feet in the air capturing the snitch to triumphant cheers. She had never cared for sports but now they seemed even more trivial. She could hardly believe the rest of the world took them so seriously.

Scowling she smooched her pillow into a different position, hoping that might help her sleep. Getting a true rest was difficult - she had too much to think of. And not just about Sirius, or Snape, these days her thoughts were more and more on her parents. On her amazing deceased parents.

Summer already seemed a very long time ago. She remember the coconut sunblock, the denim shorts, her hair loose and shimmering. She had looked great that summer. A little tan, a little too aware of how pretty she was. But it had been nice, everyone admired her.

They went to London in July. The sky was light blue, like the color they drape baby boys in and her parents were wearing jeans. Diagon Alley was crowded that day. They had squeeze their way through people and around corners. They had almost gotten lost a couple of times.

Dad had bought them all chocolate ice cream, and it dripped on her hand under the noon sun. It hand't been a perfect day but it had been good one. She had been happy. They were all happy. It was almost like looking back on a picture.

And then somewhere, someone screamed.

And the picture ended right there.

The Death Eaters seemed to appear out of nothing. They bolted right out of the air. Everything was a panic. Lily couldn't even move, she wasn't any good in these situations. She never even grabbed her wand. Her parents didn't understand anything. But Lily knew - part of her knew-

And she still didn't defend them. She didn't tell them to run. There were people everywhere and they pushed her around. At some point she couldn't see either of them anymore. She got dragged back by the crowd. Everyone was aperating out there. Everyone was afraid. Everyone was trying to find their friends, and children and spouses.

But what was wrong with Lily. Why hand't she reacted? Why had she been so scared?

When the Aurors showed up the Death Eaters were gone. There were twenty four dead. Thirteen wounded. And one girl - one very pretty girl who was just standing there in the corner of the street. She couldn't even move.

This wasn't the way things shoulda been. She was a Gryffindor, she was brave and strong and willful. Why couldn't she be any of those things for them? Why couldn't she protect them? And now whenever she thought back to her picture perfect family all she felt was guilt - because she'd practically let them die.

ooo

Peter was pressed against the corner of the Gryffindor common room, his hands running through Greta's blonde hair. It was nice having a girl for once. It felt amazing kissing her, and feeling her waist and skin. She was really great, and probably one of the few people that didn't think he was an idiot. He wasn't sure exactly why she should like him, but that didn't really matter, he was too busy falling in love.

After a few minutes she pulled away from him. One hand on each other his shoulders. "You guys sure know how to through a party."

Peter smiled. "Yeah, well we've had lots of practice."

She giggled lightly and the sound made the butterflies in his stomach flutter up to his throat. He really adored this girl. It didn't matter how sensible, and cautious he tried to be the truth couldn't be denied. "But is it me or is Sirius really out of spirits?" She nudged her head in his direction.

She was right. Sirius looked about the same as he had all year: grumpy and quiet. He didn't even have a drink in his hands. It was very unusual, especially because as he was a Chaser this was his victory too. "Yeah, I have no idea what's happening with him. Remus keeps eluting to something."

"Mmm, look I wasn't sure if I should tell you," she began, her voice quieter. "But he's your friend and honestly I think he really needs help."

"What are you talking about?"

"Well you know how Sirius has a few girls he has 'benefits' with?"

"Yeah." Sirius was a bit of a bragger when it came to sex. Of course he had reason to be. It wasn't just that he was the handsomest and most experienced boy their year, it was that according to several female reports he was also the most talented. That pretty much made him golden. He could have any girl he wanted.

"Well as far as I can tell he hans't been sleeping with any of them since June."

Peter blinked. "What?" Sirius in a period of abstinence? That was unheard of.

"They're really freaked out. Apparently they think he might be sick or in love with someone or something because he just keeps turning them down."

"Well, maybe he just has a new group."

Greta shrugged. "I guess, but doesn't it seem strange to you?"

"Yeah, real strange," his eyes had shifted away from her again to Sirius who sat alone in the same place. "You know what, maybe I should talk to him. I'll be back in a bit." She nodded and he crossed the room, eyes nervously darting around the crowd of people.

He needed this conversation to stay private. He slouched into the armchair next to his friend and smiled. "Hey, what's going on? Do you want me to get you a drink?"

Sirius scuffed. "I could summon one anytime I want."

Peter felt himself blush, he hated it when his friends made him feel small. "Right."

"Yeah, and if you don't mind I want to be alone. I'm thinking, an activity I would recommend you do once in a while."

"What is wrong with you?"

Sirius turned to look at him. "I'm in a bad mood, I've been in a bad mood for months now, so be smart for once in your life and shut up before I blast you into next week."

Peter almost retorted but the look on Sirius's eyes made him think better of it. He really was in a terrible mood. And the thing was Peter was no good in duels, especially not with a friend, or whatever Sirius was to him these days. He had noticed their coldest towards him the last couple of weeks. Ever since the day Snivellus attacked James.

The disturbing thing was his 'friends' the ones that had always protected him because he was 'weak' were now ostracizing him for that same trait. What was he supposed to do? His natural instinct had always been to preserve himself, and he had never thought anything like that would happen to James. He actually liked James, best of all.

And he was supposed to be the toughest, and the best at magic. How was Peter supposed to anticipate the fact that he would be defeated for once? So when he saw Snivellus that day he ran away, because he had been terrified. He didn't like playing with fire because every single time he got burned his 'friends' lost a little respect for him. He has lost too many fights already - especially for a marauder.

It was sick really his relation to all of them. How they protected him even though none of them, not one really like him. And he went along with it because he needed to. He needed to have friends, and popularity, he needed to feel power even if it was only in the second degree. He was used to that set up, but that fight had shaken everything up.

It had made him understand something: Sirius and James and Remus were strong but strength must be measured against something. Among the kids at school they were probably some of the best fighter, but what about the real world? Would they be able to protect him there? He wasn't so sure anymore. James hand't even been able to take down Snape, and that was just one ugly little guy. There was a whole war outside those stone walls. How was he supposed to survive there?

ooo

After shaking Peter off Sirius was especially agitated. He felt like simply pulling out his wand and making the whole room collapse. He couldn't take the cheerful drunk singing, and the heaps of giggles that bounces around the walls. It was all insupportable. So he grabbed his broom and left.

He just wanted somewhere quiet - where he could think without being disturbed by the likes of Wormtail.

The whole castle was silent, except for the occasional creaking underneath his feet. He was a master at getting around at night and knew all the short cuts and all the good hiding places. It was second nature to him by now. Flitch wasn't even a worry. He had evaded him too many times.

Once outside the air felt wonderful, it rushed through him bellowing his cloak and hair. The night was dark and freezing but once he mounted the broom an exhilaration began filling his body. He enjoyed flying more than anything else. There was nothing like it in the world. It was like the personification of freedom.

Flying also made him remember. He would think back on all his lonely summers with only Regulus for company where they would race for ours and end up fighting. And also all those Quidditch practices with James - laughing so hard they disturbed everyone's concentration. If they weren't so damn good they would've been kicked off the team ages ago.

But flying mostly made him think about Lily.

Somehow in every game he played in he could always make out her face clearest in the crowd. Even before he found out how amazing she was, there had always been a sense of clarity around her. He could be spinning around in the air or trying his best to knock a dirty Slytherin down and somehow he would see the flaming red of Lily's hair and the brilliantness of her smile.

It was up in the air that he had discovered how beautiful she really was. It was no wonder James had always been crazy about her. Lily was incredible.

Before her he had never been close to any woman. He had slept around but he kept all the girls who care about him at an arms distance away. He had been afraid of them, afraid of true affection. He hand't let them any of them know him. Just like he didn't want to know them. It worked that way for a couple of years, but after sharing everything he had with Lily his old system just seemed stupid.

Lily had seen more of him that anyone. He had cried in her arms. He had talked about his family - about his mother. She had shaken as he spoke of the punishments he endured under their roof. She had held his hands as he spoke of his recurring dream of murdering his parents and impaling his brother.

He had utterly terrorized her and he had expected her to run. But she didn't.

She knew somehow that his fury was contained by years of control. And none of it ever made her fear him, instead it made her understand. He told her things that he had never told anyone before - not even James. And so his relationship with her was a betrayal in every sense of the word.

He had taken his girl. He had slept with his girl. He had dumped her and broken her heart. But it went deeper than that because he had trusted her more than he had ever trusted James. Why? In the beginning everything had been a blur and he had no idea why he was revealing all his secret to her one by one as if veritaserum had been dripped into his blood stream. But as time passed he began to understand.

Lily never judged. She didn't have James impeccable moral fiber. She was a good person but she understood hate and violence and desire. She understood that for him not murdering his parents had been difficult. And she understood why he had lead Snape into near death the previous years. She got that deep down something in Sirius craved blood because he couldn't deal with his problems rationally like Remus or James.

The others would never have understood that. In fact they would have been disappointed to discover that he really wasn't that different from his family. He had a tremendous desire to inflict harm and pain. Pushing past that was difficult but he did it every day because he wanted to be good.

But maybe only Lily would get it like that.

Suddenly Sirius stopped moving. He hand't realized he was flying towards her window until now. Something told him that she would be there. There was this peculiar feeling that he was supposed to see her tonight.

Slowly he began moving again.

ooo

A/N: This chapter was a bit of a challenge. Especially the part about Lily's parents dying, but I had always wondered what happened to them so this was my way of speculating. By the way the first section of this chapter is a flash back to the summer when Lily and Sirius were together. Sorry if it was confusing.

All feedback is welcomed.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter IV

"You know..." began James as he reclined back on the arm chair. "Everyone always says I like her because of how pretty she is. But that's really stupid." He drank a good amount of firewhiskey. "There's lots of pretty girls at Hogwarts, but Lily - she's just special." His eyes glazed over as he though of her.

Across from him Remus smiled. He liked seeing his friends drunk. "Yeah she's great."

James slurped forward with narrowed eyes. "But - but you think she's great for me."

"Oh yeah, no need to get paranoid."

"Good." James rested his head against the cushion again and closed his eyes. "You know I like to think that if it wasn't for Snivellus she would be with me."

Peter, who slouched next to him snorted. "I don't think she'd ever be with you."

"Why ever not?"

"Well Evans is just really serious. She's like super mature, that probably why she liked Snape. He's no fun at all."

"She never liked Snivellus! They were just friends - she probably just felt bad for him." James nodded his head to his own comment as if that increased it's validity. "Don't you think so Moony?"

Remus exchanged an amused glance with Peter but agreed with him all the same. "Of course."

"Anyhow none of that is goanna matter pretty soon-" continued James as he took another swig of alcohol. "This time when I defeat him it's goanna be definitive. He's goanna be so embarrassed he'll wish he had an invisibility cloak."

As he continued to slurp along half-coherent sentences, Remus rolled his eyes and reclined on the sofa. It had been a long day. And he was tired of drinking and hearing James's delusional discussions about Lily. It really was getting very tiresome.

Especially because James's problems looked like nothing compared to his own. James could have and be anything he wanted. He was rich, good looking, talented, and well human. While Remus was just a lonely werewolf who would never amount to anything because society wouldn't permit it.

It was hard no being envious of his friends sometimes. Specially James because he was the one who least appreciated everything he had. He had lousy priorities. With him it was all about Snape, and Quidditch, and pranks. It was like he didn't realize that five years from now none of those things would really matter.

If Remus had been in charge of his friend's life he would have made him concentrate on important things. Like wooing Lily, and getting good grades. So that when the time came to graduate James could marry the girl of his dreams, and work in the ministry like his father. He could even become a war hero with his dueling skills. It was a really a pity that James had never taken his advice on anything - he thought Remus worried too much.

But if he did he couldn't help it. It was only natural to want him and Sirius to be happy, especially cause he knew his own happiness would be too hard to achieve outside of school. No, he had understood long ago that these were the best years of his life, and that it was pretty much just downhill after graduation.

As he watched James begin to drool on the chair, Remus leaned forward and snatched the bottle from his hands. He took a deep drink, feeling it burn through him. He hated alcohol, always had. The very smell made him feel sick but the truth was in a disgusting way it was comforting.

Maybe because it stopped him from thinking too much.

ooo

Sirius and Lily sat on her bed. Not talking and not touching. Her hair was pulled up in a lopsided bun, and she was wearing pock-a-dot pajamas and neon socks. Even through the seriousness and intensity of the situation, he was smiling a little. She always had a way of surprising him.

Her hands were bunched up together on her lap and she was staring at his mud-caked shoes which had left a trail from the window. He was looking at her.

"I'm sorry if I'm disturbing you." He said wondering if he had woken her up. The blankets on her bed where ruffled and covered in books and parchments. He eyed them discreetly. It was all school work, but some of these assignments she was working on weren't due for weeks. "Are mad at me still?" he asked turning back to her.

She shrugged.

He took a breath and leaned forward, his head hanging down. "You're not making this any easier."

"You think this should be easy?"

Sirius sighed. "I guess you're right, but I don't know what to do."

"About what?" her voice sounded tense and she still wasn't looking directly at him. He took this to mean that she was being cautious - keeping her distance.

"You - us."

"So now there is an 'us' again?" She looked puzzled.

"I'm not sure - I just know I miss you. I miss you all the time. I didn't know it would be so hard."

"Well I miss you too. But I miss a lot of things."

"I know I was the one who ended it but I'm not sure that was the best idea now. I mean it doesn't change anything - I still betrayed him. And I still feel guilty about it. And now I also feel guilty whenever I see you because these days you always look miserable."

"Well that's not only because you."

"I know -" He stopped and lifted his head back up. "But that makes me feel worse." He paused as he tried to vocalize another faction of his remorse. "I'm sorry I was so selfish. I never should have started this. I mean you were very... vulnerable. You would never have done this if you hand't been so confused."

She stared at him. "I wasn't just with you because I was lonely. I'm not that different from others girls you know. You're gorgeous and complicated ... I've wanted you for a long time in my own way."

He felt speechless, she never talked like that. "I didn't know that."

"So you really don't have to feel sorry for me. I'll be fine."

"I'm not here to apologize Lily. I'm here because I came to a really important conclusion today."

"Yes?"

He glanced over at her apprehensively. "Do you want me to leave?"

She stared back at him.

"It's alright if you do, but just say so, alright? Are you still that angry? Because you are not being yourself."

Lily leaned against one of the four posters of her bed. "I just didn't expect to see you again - like this. I thought you meant what you said. I'm not used to talking to you anymore."

"Oh."

"Well, what did you figure out Sirius? What was your big revelation?" It surprised him how cold her tone was. She was keeping very guarded. Something was scaring her.

But it didn't really matter to him. He had to say it, even if she didn't want to hear it. "I've never been so happy with anyone as I have been with you." He waited a moment for her to speak but she didn't. Once again she kept quiet, those beautiful green eyes starring back at him like blank mirrors. "And I know I make you happy too."

"Yes, you do."

"Well then, don't you think that means that we're supposed to be together? I mean we've both have shit years. Especially you and yet when we're together we just forget about it all."

She had turned away from his slightly. Her eyes looking back down at the floor. "Are you saying we should be a couple?"

"Maybe. Yes," he found himself encroaching on her space. His hand moving tentatively from her side to her tight.

"And we wouldn't hide?"

"No, I don't want to do it like that like that anymore. I think I love you Lily."

She moved his hand off and tried to breathe as if her whole world wasn't coming apart again. "What are you talking about?"

He shifted back. "I'm saying I'm ready for more. And I wanna help you."

Lily shook her head. "Now I have to deal with this on my own."

"Why? Isn't it always better to let someone in? That's what I learned with you."

"Yes, letting people in is good-" she said breathlessly. "But there comes a time where you have to learn to depend on yourself."

He stared back at her. "What are you talking about?"

She put her head in her hands. "You're the one who's not making any sense at all. And I mean what about James, what's goanna happen when he finds out, have you thought about that?" Her head snapped back up.

His cold eyes narrowed. "I know it's goanna sound sick but I don't think I care anymore."

"You don't care about your best friend?"

"I don't care about anything except you."

ooo

At the end of the party (around 4 AM) Peter and Remus carried James back to the dormitory. He seemed heavier than the last time they'd had to do that. Or maybe the difference was that this time the werewolf got Peter for assistance instead of Sirius.

The unconscious boy grumbled incoherently as they set him down on his bed, which thankfully was the one closest to the door.

Peter massaged his aching shoulder. "Man I'm exhausted."

"Yeah," replied Remus. "Prongs is drinking too much. He's really lost it over that fight with Snape."

At the mention of it Peter stiffened. "I wish I hand't run away that time."

They looked at each other and neither said anything for a while. Instead they got changed and got into their beds and it was only when Peter was almost asleep that the werewolf realized he hand't seen Sirius all night. "Hey do you have any idea where Padfoot is?"

Peter thought uncomfortably back to the party. "I had a bit of quarrel with him."

"About what?"

"I don't know. Greta told me that he hans't been meeting with his 'girls' and that worried me so I tried talking to him and he got really angry."

Remus sat up. "Did he pull out his wand?"

"No, but he left."

"When was that?"

"Around 11 maybe? I don't know. I'm pretty angry at him still to tell you the truth."

In the darkness Remus looked around the room. "He should be here by now."

"Ah, he'll come in when he wants to. You know how strange he gets when he's in his jerk mood."

Remus collapsed back onto his pillow and closes eyes, partially wishing he had drank more. He was sick of worrying.

ooo

Sirius didn't sleep much that night.

Even after running to her and sleeping with her, and watching her dream soundlessly against his chest in that classroom.

Her hair was blonde, and her eyes were brown.

And everything was wrong.

ooo

A/N: This chapter is shamelessly overdue. Thanks you Fallowing Thunder for nudging me in that direction.


End file.
